Asian Toe, Vicodin Bro and Tequila in Mexico

Mexico always seems to leave a lasting impression on me and my friends. Every trip down there is a new adventure that changes our lives forever. This is my favorite story from the land of tacos and burritos.

Fall 2007
Mexico Retreat

A three day, two night retreat for me and about 50 of my closest friends was underway. The venue – some house we rented (and said there was only going to be like 8 people staying) in Rosarito, Mexico!!!

We usually have a weekend of all-out partying, and this was no exception. Our first night had the highlight of a costume party themed: “When I Grow Up!”

mexico-theme-party-when-i-grow-up-1 mexico-theme-party-when-i-grow-up-2

Our story starts after heavy amounts of beer, tequila, rum, vodka, gin and whatever else the cavalry brought in, had already been consumed. It was really late and at this point, most people were probably puking or already blacked out. Either way, the party was over, or so I thought.

I walk into the living room to find bodies laying everywhere! It was like a scene from Resident Evil – half dead, half naked people all over the floor and lots of screaming from the hallway. The bodies lay lifeless with torn clothing of nurses, soldiers, actresses and police officers. I tip toe around the corpses to find where the noise was coming from. To my surprise, I find a whole different scene, one to the likes of the World Wrestling Federation!

wrestling-in-mexico-1 wrestling-in-mexico-2

I make my way through the crowd watching the match and see wrestling on the ground, my friend Parker and my other friend Rachel. Now, let me break down the stats for you.

Parker: 200 pound toddler who is pure muscle and is training to be a Navy Seal.

Parker - drunken guy with no shirt

Parker - drunken muscle guy with no shirt

Rachel: 5-foot nothing, tiny Asian girl, probably weighs no more than 100lbs.

Rachel - tiny Asian schoolgirl

Rachel - tiny Asian schoolgirl

Of course, no one in the right state of drunkenness would dare to stop this action. There was too much potential for something funny, stupid or legendary to happen. Besides, who are we to challenge the course of destiny?

And destiny’s hand struck us all that night.

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH FUUUUUCKKKKKKK GET OFF MEEEE!!! IT POPPED! IT POPPED!”

Rachel apparently felt a pop, and I doubt it was a cherry.

Upon clearing the stack of drunken madness that had piled over tiny Rachel, we notice just one thing – her big toe was pointing straight back towards herself…

“AAAAHHHHH IT FUCKIN HURTS!!!!” screamed our little Asian warrior.

“Vince! Do something!” muttered one of the corpses.

“What? Me? FUCK!!!! Ummm…. OH I GOT IT!!! RAGSDALE!!!” I thought.

Within that split second of adrenalin rushing through my alcohol lined veins, the one person I thought of who might have something helpful was our good friend Ragsdale. I rush downstairs to get him while the adrenalin continues to mix with the high levels of alcohol already in my blood.

“RAGSDALE! Rachel’s hurt! I know you have some Vicodin! We need you!”
I say as I barge into his room.

Ragsdale stared blankly at me while simultaneously wondering what planet he was on and if there was anything to munch on….

“RAGS FOCUS!!! RACHEL, VICODIN, NOW!!!!”
I scream to snap him out of his dazed and confused stance.

We rush back up with the medication in hand to find that our other friend MJ, had taken the lead in helping Rachel cope with the pain. We found him shoving a whole bottle of Tequila down Rachel’s throat.

“This’ll help with the pain Rachel, just drink up…”
MJ whispered as he poured the tequila.

“Everybody move! Ragsdale’s got this!” I yell.

“This’ll help with the pain Rachel, just drink up…” Ragsdale whispered as he gave her Vicodin.

Drunk as I may have been, there was just something that didn’t seem right. The synchronized mixture of Vicodin and heavy amounts of alcohol didn’t really sit well with me. Though I couldn’t quite put my toe…. I mean finger on it… I knew something was wrong.

“Does anyone know the number for 911 in Mexico?” I asked.

The room fell silent to the crickets.

“Well is anyone sober enough to drive her to the hospital?” I naively ask.

cricket… cricket… cricket…

“DAMNIT!”

Then it hit me, “CHRISTINA!”

Christina is my best friend whose wonderful smile can bring light to the darkest pits of hell. She is the most positive person in the world and has the most loving heart. She also does not drink nor will you ever hear her cuss. I honestly don’t know how we got her to come to this debacle, knowing fully that every transaction south of the border would surely go against her codes of conduct. But again, who am I to question the hand of destiny, besides, we had an Asian toe to save.

“CHRISTINA!” I again scream while barging through her door and waking her up.

“Rachel just broke her toe while MJ is shoving Tequila down her throat, Ragsdale just gave her some Vicodin and no one else is within a galaxy’s range of soberness to figure out what to do!” I relayed to her.

Articulate and grammatically acceptable as that may sound, the alcohol and adrenalin already mixed in my system probably had me sounding more like….

“Rahcel monkey toe! Break Break! Snap! Vicodin Tequilalalala Crap Shit Barbra Streisand!!!”

Either way, in some sort of best-friend-telepathy, she knew what I was talking about.

Upstairs….

“Here, take another shot Rachel, it’ll help with the pain.” said MJ.

“AAAAHHH IT HHURTSSSS!” Rachel continually screamed.

rachel-crying-in-mexico-over-toe rachel-broke-her-toe-holding-bottle-of-tequila-in-mexico

“Ok, I’m going to pop it back into place ok. Do you want me to do that Rachel?” asked Ragsdale.

“YES FUCKIN DO ANYTHING!!!” Rachel pleaded.

“Ok, ok I’m popping it back! Take another shot again, it’ll help! You ready?”

“JUST FUCKIN DO IT ALREADY!!!”

“Ok, ok, here we go, here we go, on three…… One…. Two…”

Back up for a second and let me explain Ragsdale’s medical experience. He’s one of the coolest people I know and I really love the guy, but see, his medical training hasn’t been as impressive. Other than an extensive background of working with “medical marijuana,” his further medical knowledge has only been gained from about 2 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, 1 season of House and random episodes of Scrubs. I wasn’t sure if he was qualified. But again, I’m not one to question destiny.

“Ok, ok, here we go, here we go, on three…… One…. Two…”

“RAGS!!! Do you know what you are doing?” yelled Christina, who walked in JUST IN TIME to save the unsuspecting toe.

“Not a clue,” confessed Ragsdale.

“Please move away from the toe…” Christina requested.

At that point, Ragsdale walked out of the room and grabbed a beer before coming back to see what was decided.

See, unlike Ragsdale, Christina is actually certified in First Aid. Moreover, she’s the only sober one in the entire house. She automatically qualified to take the lead on this.

“Oh dear, we need to get you to the hospital. I’m driving you back to the U.S.” Christina said.

We get some blankets, pillows, water and anything else they might need for their trip and start loading up the car. MJ tried to convince us to bring more tequila for the road but we hurriedly decline. Finally, we pick up little Rachel and start carrying her to the vehicle. When we get outside, we see Parker, half naked, sitting in the backseat.

Vince: “Parker, get out dude, we need to get Rachel to the hospital.”

Parker: “NO! I’m coming with coz it was my fault.”

Vince: “Parker, there’s no space for you, we need the backseat for Rachel and we need less inebriated people to go with them.”

Parker: “ … ”

Vince:    “Seriously dude…”

Parker: “ … ”

10 minutes of calmly asking Parker to get out of the car fall on deaf ears… the calmness also turned sour….

Everyone: “PARKER MOVE YOUR ASS OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!!!”

Parker: “ … ”

Vince: “SERIOUSLY DUDE! WE NEED TO GO! RACHEL IS IN PAIN”

Parker: “ … ”

Still nothing. Parker sat there like a 5-year-old with a tantrum. Then suddenly…

Christina: “PARKER GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!”

Now let me re-emphasize something I mentioned earlier. Christina is the sweetest most positive little church girl in the world. She does NOT drink, smoke, stay up late, go to bars or stay-up past her bedtime. Most of all, she NEVER cusses. Her vocabulary of bad words consist of “gosh” and “jiminy cricket!”.

Christina: “PARKER GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!”

A moment of silence took place as everyone stopped to look at Christina. No one knew what was going on and it was as if we had been teleported to some weird land where pigs fly, hell was frozen over and Christina cusses. Even Parker actually got stirred up a bit as he turned to look at Christina, though only for a second. Then he just sat there again and ignored everyone.

Vince: “OK screw it, we need to go. Load up the car and just have Parker go with. He’s not moving.”

So finally, we fill up the car with Christina driving, Parker not moving, someone who speaks Spanish, Rachel’s roommate, Rachel and her toe that was pointing back at her.

Five minutes into the ride they drive past a toll booth for the highway. As Christina pull over to pay the toll, Parker looks over and proudly says: “See, we’re here. Noooo problem…”

The house we rented in Mexico was about 45 minutes away from the US border. Everyone in the car, including Rachel’s toe, looks at Parker and let’s out an idiotic sigh.

Our story ends with a safe arrival at a San Diego hospital and Rachel’s toe fixed back into place. Parker eventually sobered up and apologized to everyone. We made him do a funny song and dance then accept his apology.

Parker at the hospital Rachel, being taken home in stlye...

Today, Christina is still our designated hero when all else fails, Ragsdale is still our go-to-guy when we need any forms or medicinal herbs, Parker is still continuing his training as a Navy Seal, Rachel is still wrestling with boys and I…. well I read an article and am more informed about the life threatening dangers of too much alcohol mixed with Vicodin in Mexico – No bueno!

the-toe

The infamous....Toe...

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