The Birds and the Bees with Vince

This is my pitiful attempt to be the “responsible parent” and talk to my 15 year old little sister about “The Birds and the Bees.”

Vince: So did mom and dad give you “The Birds and the Bees” talk yet?
Lil Sis: What?
Vince: “The Birds and the Bees”?
Lil Sis: What the hell is that?
Vince: You haven’t heard of “The Birds and the Bees”?
Lil Sis: No….
Vince: Well……. Ummmmm……. See it’s…….. ahhhh….. OH, we’ll look it up online!

(After typing it up on good ol’ Google)

Vince: hmmmm… oh, Urban Dictionary! Can’t go wrong there….

1. The Birds and the Bees

Explaining to children about sex.
girl: Daddy, how are babies made?
Father: Daddy plants a seed in mummys’ tummy
girl: Does she swallow the seed?
father: Only if she wants a new dress

small boy: What is a masturbation?
teacher: That’s a mouthfull for someone of your age
small boy: No, a mouthfulls a blow job.

2. The Birds and the Bees

1 )The talk that a parent (usually a mother) gives her daughter/son on the night of their first date, containing safe sex, or abstinence. The whole point of the ‘birds and bees’ is to convince you NOT to have sex.

2) The most annoying talk in the world.

Mom- Honey, we need to talk.
Daughter- Mom, I DON’T want the ‘birds and the bees’ talk.
Mom- But you need to know not to have sex. You could get pregnant and die!
Daughter- We’re JUST going to a friend’s house for a small get-together.
Mom- Are there going to be a lot of boys there?
Daughter- No Mom, it’s a nun club.

Lil Sis: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Vince: Yeah Urban Dictionary is golden; I’ve put some stuff in it (look for “The Simba”)
Lil Sis: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Vince: Do you know what the Urban Dictionary is?
Lil Sis: No
Vince: Well it’s pretty much like a Wiki, where people just put in stuff. It’s mostly used for slang words and phrases. Like…… “Superman that hoe” You know that from the song right?
Lil Sis: What song?
Vince: (in horrible out of tune voice and making up the lyrics I really don’t understand) It’s the “why we cranky why we roll, why we dampy why we ohhhh, Superman that hoe! Now why do youuuuuuuuuu crank that soldiah boy, why do youuuuuuuuuu…”
Lis Sis: Oh yeah I heard that, I hate that song! It’s annoying (*thank god she’s not ghetto…*)

(I then proceed to type “Superman that Hoe” on Urban Dictionary and here’s what comes out….)

1. Superman that Hoe

When you’re doing a girl doggy style, pull out, and cum on her back/ass. When she tells you to wipe it off, you pretend to, and when she wakes up, she has the bed sheets stuck to her back like supermans cape.

“Dude, tonight, im totally going to superman that hoe.

Lil Sis: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww
Vince: So anywayz, on a more serious note….. be safe and use protection if and when you’re ever gonna have sex. Lots of diseases and stuff out there. Use a condom.
Lil Sis: Isn’t that for boys?
Vince: HAHAHAHAHA, well yeah, use it on your partner.
Lil Sis: I saw a condom before, in (my other brother’s) room. I read the instructions on the back coz I was curious.
Vince: I have a condom in my drawer; wanna to see it?
Lil Sis: NO! Have you ever watched porn? You probably do huh?
Vince: Everyone watches porn.
Lil Sis: I watched porn by accident, I was looking at (my other brother’s) computer and I clicked something by mistake and then I started wondering what kind of movie was playing and then OH MY GOD! And then I closed it…
Vince: HAHAHAHAHA so anywayz, don’t just give away your “special gift” to anyone, find someone special.
Lil Sis: What’s a “special gift?”
Vince: Oh, it’s what some old hags who never get laid call their virginity…
Lil Sis: I already have someone special
Vince: Oh ok, well just whore yourself out then…..

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